Angel Sanctuary: The American TV Dub
by Mikomi's Pen
Summary: Angel Sanctuary? No angels in this story, no no no! Can't make Judeo-Christian references and offend the parents. Must make the dub TV-PG or below. No swearing, no blood, and nothing that could be considered G - A - Y, if ya know what I spell.


The hallways of heaven are decimated, the angels within slain, the walls smeared with blood.  
  
"Oh, no," commented the network executive, walking into the scene. "That won't do at all."  
  
The director, following closely behind, sighed impatiently. "Fine. No blood on the walls. That okay?"  
  
"Mmmm...I want to keep the rating down to about TV-PG if I can. Large audience appeal. You know, it's the kids who like this animated stuff, and I don't want their parents complaining, you know?"  
  
The director exploded in a froth of spittle. "The - for God's sake! For God's sake! The main character sleeps with his goddamn sister!"  
  
"Mmmm, yeah, I wanna talk to you about that sometime soon. Anyway, don't let me hold you up."  
  
The hallways of heaven are strangely empty, as if by plot device. The Dragon Master Kurai -  
  
"Kurai?" the executive interrupted. "That's not a good name at all, not at all. How will the kids remember that name, hmm? I mean, you can't exactly have his likeness printed on a backpack or t-shirt and below that, 'Kurai.' It's no Pikachu. No one will remember that. Make it...Katie."  
  
"What's he babbling about now?" Kurai muttered.  
  
A tic above the director's eye began to twitch. "Oh, and I suppose that I'll just change Arakune's name to Anna now, too?"  
  
"Heeeey, that's a good one," the executive said with a friendly slap on the back. "I'll pass your name up in creative resources."  
  
Katie and her cousin Anna -  
  
"Cousin? That won't do at all. How about...sister?"  
  
"But it's a big to-do later on that Arakune is, in truth, Kurai's brother."  
  
"Brother? Oh, no oh no! Can't have transvestites. No, no. That might encourage the kids to become - " The executive's voice dropped to a horrified whisper. "G - A - Y, if you know what I spell."  
  
Katie and her sister Anna walked through the strangely deserted hallway of heaven. They came to the great crystal that contained the body of the Organic Angel Alexiel -  
  
"Okay, one, remember the name thing. Two, Judeo-Christian overtones are bad. Might offend the parents."  
  
"ARRRGH! YOU STUPID STUPID MAN! THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS ANGEL SANCTUARY! ANGEL SANCTUARY! AS IN ANGELS!"  
  
"Mmmm, yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that one."  
  
"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"  
  
"Oh, that won't do. That won't do at all. Cursing might offend the parents."  
  
The director dropped his head into his hands and sobbed.  
  
Katie and her sister Anna walked through the strangely deserted hallway of heaven. They came to the great crystal that contained the body of the Organic Pixie Alexander.  
  
"I've been looking for a few months, Alex," Katie commented. "But I finally found you using Yahoo! People Finder. Yahoo! Your internet source."  
  
"You're a whore," commented Anna.  
  
"Shh! The little kiddies aren't supposed to hear that sort of language."  
  
"I'm staging a coup."  
  
"Oh. That's cool. The censors won't catch it?"  
  
Anna licked her lips. "Censors taste like the bitter bitter tears of the damned."  
  
"Guess not, then." Katie cleared her throat. "I have found you, Alex! Now we will take your body back to our home in Anagura and search for your lost little spirit."  
  
Meanwhile, Steven Miller -  
  
"That's not my name," Setsuna said irritably.  
  
"Just go with it," said Chris Smith. Then he realized what his name was. "Okay, this is just annoying. 'Chris'? I mean, I feel bad enough about taking Sakuya's name and body from him, but to transform it into this, this travesty?"  
  
Steven Miller was -  
  
"You never gave any response to my outrage!" Kira cried.  
  
Steven Miller was playing air hockey with his friends when -  
  
"The Nanatsusaya Mitamanotsurugi began killing all the friends, splattering their blood upon the walls!" Setsuna/Steven screamed in triumph, laughing insanely and carrying out his narration.  
  
"Christ," muttered Kira/Chris. "Didn't I tell you not to take your earrings out?"  
  
"I didn't take them out," said Setsuna mildly, smearing his body with the blood of his brutally slain comrades. "The network executive insisted that they be taken out. Said that earrings on a guy were kinda G - A - Y, you know?"  
  
"And now you're on a bloody rampage."  
  
"Yep!" he said lightly. "Whenever I see blood, it's like there's some sort of demon - "  
  
"We've heard," Kira said dryly. "Come over here, Set-chan."  
  
"Awww, do I haveta?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"And cut it with the cheer, will you?"  
  
"Yes, sempai."  
  
Suddenly, another network executive appeared in a puff of illogic.  
  
"We will have none of that!" he cried.  
  
Kira sighed. "None of what?"  
  
"Those random Japanimation words stuck in."  
  
"There's no exact English equivalent for 'sempai,'" Setsuna interjected.  
  
"Goddamn Japs. Always making up words to anger me," he said and disappeared in a puff of pointless spite. An intern ran in, out of breath, and handed them a note, then ran out again, pelted all the while by clods of dirt hurled by tech.  
  
Setsuna read it. "'Use the word 'man' instead.'"  
  
The executive reappeared. "Not all G - A - Y -like, though, make sure of that. The parents don't cotton to that kind of stuff." Then he disappeared again.  
  
"Okay, fine then..." Setsuna cleared his throat. "Yes, man."  
  
Chris stuck a few more earrings through the holes in Steven's ear.  
  
"Thanks, man."  
  
Then Steven's crush Sarah walked in.  
  
"Steven!" she cried, and everyone on the set clapped their hands over their ears. Far away, dogs howled in pain.  
  
"Hi, Sarah," Setsuna replied, then stuffed his fingers back in his ears. He winced anyway as the shrill shriek cut straight to his brain.  
  
"Have you been fighting again?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Mostly to avoid having to meet with you."  
  
"Mom says you shouldn't fight!" she said, her voice going even shriller. The feedback from the microphone exploded several speakers.  
  
"She's not my mom," Setsuna mumbled.  
  
"What?" she screeched, then said something that was thankfully drowned out by the sound of heads nearby exploding. "What do you mean?"  
  
"In the American TV dub, we aren't related. Incest is bad. Incest is G - A - Y."  
  
"No, it's not," Kira muttered. Everyone looked at him. He shrugged defensively. "Well, it isn't, not necessarily." No one looked away. "If anyone needs me, I'll be drinking, smoking, doing drugs, killing people, talking to voices in my head, and being all angsty over having to isolate my father in spite of my having human emotion. Maybe I'll make out with Belial for fun, too," he added thoughtfully, then walked off.  
  
"Gee whiz, it sure is too bad that my mom is opposed to us having a relationship, isn't it?" Sara(h) asked. A techie screamed.  
  
"It sure is," Setsuna said, popping Advil and rubbing his temple. "I don't know why."  
  
"Neither do I," Sara said. "I mean, you aren't disobedient or bad in any way." A strong man broke down weeping.  
  
"Nope. Let's go angst together, shall we?"  
  
"I'm always game." 


End file.
